And for me, it’s personal.

*This became my favorite meme during my deep dive into narcissism.*

My body was trembling.

Noticing my distress, the family therapist turned toward my parents and said, “Your daughter clearly has PTSD.”

That was news to me. I remember thinking, “What the fck? I fell in love, and now I have PTSD? How is that fair?” Though at the time, I had been tight-lipped about my relationship. I was protecting him. In the back of my mind, I still clung to a possibility of our reuniting. We called each other “Twin Flames,” after all. Don’t Twin Flames eventually find their way back to each other, the final stage of the Twin Flame union? (Not according to one of my favorite Matt Kahn talks in which he says, “Another spiritual term for Twin Flame is…Your Ex.”

Because I refused at the time to talk about the three years of unrelenting volatility, explosive outbursts, harsh language, and venomous name-calling I’d been enduring from my “Twin Flame” up until then, I redirected the conversation, channeling all feelings of blame toward the roots of why I’d accepted such treatment as normal in the first place.

I wanted to explore as a family the ancestral, generational, and cultural trauma that had trained me to fawn when I sensed that an insecure man desired external validation, as well as the messaging that conditioned me into believing that I could love a wounded man into wholeness.

Which is why my parents were sitting in the therapist’s office with me. In hindsight, it probably would have been more helpful for all involved had I just played the voice recordings I’d saved on my phone of all those nights I’d been kept awake by the irrational tirades and brutal tongue-lashings. Yelling insults at someone until the sun comes up is a unique type of torture.

Perhaps that would have helped to cultivate more understanding as to why my breath would shorten, chest would tighten, and my body would shake every time I was in the vicinity of a man exerting an over-expression of will power. A raised voice, intimidating display of impatience, or outward assertion of frustration felt as threatening to my nervous system as a saber-tooth tiger about to attack. Years of walking on eggshells wreaks havoc on the fascia.

Perhaps had I admitted that this relationship exposed every scar within my lifetime, clawing at the sutures, tearing them open and digging deeper and deeper into the wounds, excavating the most ancient & ancestral reactions to trauma stored within my fascia and DNA, I could have better explained why it felt like life or death that my family members devoted themselves to avoiding triggering these raw bleeding wounds.

Though that was not their burden to bear.

This was up to me to heal.

While I’m usually not a fan of diagnoses (I think we attach to them and therefore mythologize ourselves, looping the same pathological story on repeat so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy), receiving the PTSD diagnosis was a gift. It gave me the permission I needed to take seriously the next stage of my healing journey. I knew it would require complete devotion. Without that, the haunting symptoms of PTSD would eventually erode my will to survive, and I might give up on existence altogether. That’s how serious it was.

Fortunately, I also knew myself well enough to trust I could become my own Shaman through this complete and utter darkness.

I quit the therapist as soon as she exposed her proclivity toward diagnoses and medications, and I instead turned my gaze within. Inward toward my Spirits’s true flame. Everything I needed to heal was already within me.

As Matt Kahn explains in the same video,

“It’s the hurt, the heartbreak, & the betrayal or the loneliness that a twin flame energy leaves us in, that is actually the very healing that is occurring to bring you to your next paradigm of consciousness. So the hurt, the heartbreak, the abandonment, the devastation that you face in the aftermath of a Twin Flame relationship is an incubation stage of healing most commonly called ‘depression.’ And when not judged, depression is a stage called ‘awakening.’”

While I still resist referring to my ex as a “Twin Flame,” I can’t deny the resonance of Matt Kahn’s description of this particular soul contract. There are likely infinite interpretations around the quantum energetics of why this pattern occurs. I feel my consciousness was completely stretched to the outer limits of polarity. An intensity so extreme, I saw a world of “good vs. evil,” of “light vs. dark,” and my inner Lightworker rose up, reporting for duty.

It wasn’t just my ex. I seemed to be a vortex pulling all flavors of trauma into my auric field. My work life had become oppressive, dehumanizing, and inundated with shame for the ways I fawned (Level 1 Victim Energy) when I didn’t have the tools to advocate for myself.

My growing awareness of the government’s role in the Flint Water Crisis and the violence at Standing Rock left me disoriented and battling cognitive dissonance.

The “Me Too” movement illuminated an evolving door of memories I’d disowned and hidden away deep within the caverns of my psyche, hoping I would never have to address those violations ever again.

The world I had known, the 3D paradigm of industrial revolutions, governmental control, and media manipulation began to dissolve around me. And I saw war. Not between nations or political parties, but between the soul of humanity and the dark side.

All resulting from my becoming increasingly aware. As my Level 1 decreased, my Level 2 increased. And I was ready to fight as a Soldier of Jah Army in the battle between Good & Evil.

Each stretch of Consciousness toward the Light of Jah carved space for an equal and opposite expansion into the darkness of evil.

In the previously shared video, Matt Kahn goes on to say, “A Twin Flame is one who enters your reality to fast-track you into a higher level of consciousness and help you work out a lot of stuff in a very short period of time… sometimes a Twin Flame can be like a very instant romantic spark, and that intense passionate spark of romance quickly turns into an incessant amount of chaos.” In his description of this particular soul contract, he explains, “We get through this at an accelerated rate, and it’s rather intense.”

Once we are disoriented and standing in what I call the Garden of Red Flags, we no longer recognize our lives. Matt Kahn phrases it perfectly: “Oh my god, why is my life upside down? How’d it get so crazy?”

In my case, chaos was indeed incessant. When I came to, I had left my corporate job after seven dedicated and loyal years, I’d spent all of my 401K, I’d fled the city I called home for over 11 years, and I felt so utterly alone.

And I’m so grateful for every moment of it. I’m grateful my idealistic rose-colored glasses distorted my reality so I could experience the timeline I chose. The most intense soul contract of my life. The ripples of aftermath still influence my energy, as I mourn the loss of my naïveté. Ignorance was bliss.

Though I’m no longer idealizing bliss.

I’ve since rested into Peaceful Awareness. I see the full spectrum of the Yin Yang, and I walk the paper thin line of balance. No longer chasing the highs, no longer attaching to the lows. Instead allowing them to move through me like a wave.

I’ve learned to cultivate the neutrality available when we invite in objectivity. Zen mind.

And I have this history of raging addiction to intense emotional experiences to thank for my peace today.

*From the website:* *https://wnaad.com/*

I share this today for Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day with hopes my story can offer you:

A thread of understanding
An inhale of self-compassion
An exhale of acceptance

Especially if you’re still cursing the soul contract that carved excruciating C-PTSD into your nervous system. There is a way back to peace. And the wisdom we gain by studying the patterns is pure gold.

When we embark on the path back to alignment after such abuse, we collect so many wisdom gems from exploring the red flags and deviations with curiosity. Through my own soul contract, I unlocked my highest calling:

Helping to make the world a safe place for those with extrasensory gifts.

And so from my cave of despair, the first iteration of Empath Warrior Training was born. I found that alchemizing my pain into value helped to move the trauma from the repetitive looping in my emotional right-brain into the analytical and evaluative logical left-brain.

As I took a deep dive into the study of Narcissism, I felt relief to find that there was a day dedicated to spreading awareness of this particular type of abuse. Recovery can feel so lonely. If you are in it, know that you are not alone. You are understood. You are held.

I’ve compiled a list of resources that helped me while I was on my healing journey. May they offer you support. And as my friend Kelsey says, “Know this: The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.” I am living proof.

Resources

Book: Christiane Northrup’s “Dodging Energy Vampires.”
Virtual Course: Understanding Narcissism from Sounds True
YouTube Playlist. This series was initially launched as an online summit in 2019, taking place from November 4 through 13th. Featured Experts:
- Dr. Ramani Durvasula – Clinical psychologist and narcissism educator; covered terms like gaslighting, love bombing, and more.
- Terri Cole, LCSW, MSW – Boundary expert; spoke on narcissistic parents, boundaries, and energy vampires.
- Kristin Neff, PhD – Expert in self-compassion; addressed how compassion is more effective than self-criticism.
- Judith Orloff, MD – Psychiatrist and empath specialist; shared about narcissistic parenting and inner child healing.
- Caroline Myss – Spiritual teacher; explored narcissism, entitlement, and the power of language.
- Abdul Saad, MPsych – Clinical psychologist; explained covert narcissism, manipulation, and schadenfreude.
- W. Keith Campbell, PhD – Psychologist; introduced the Trifurcated Model of Narcissism (TMN).
- Rhonda Freeman, PhD – Neuropsychologist; explored how NPD manifests in intimate relationships.
- Terry Real – Couples therapist and founder of Relational Life Therapy; discussed how to stand up to narcissists and set boundaries.
- Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés - Jungian psychoanalyst, cantadora (keeper of the old stories), and author of the international bestseller Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype. With her background in post-trauma recovery, storytelling, and archetypal psychology, Dr. Estés offers profound guidance for reclaiming intuition and feminine power. Her retelling of the Bluebeard tale serves as a symbolic warning and wake-up call—urging us to trust our inner knowing and to stop watering gardens where no roots exist. Through story, she reminds us that healing is an ancient rite, and our instincts are holy.
The YouTube Playlist shared above provides some clips from each speaker’s presentation, though the full course is available for purchase here .
12 Pillars of Narcissism (via Dr. Ramani):
- Hypersensitivity
- Grandiosity
- Entitlement
- Superficiality
- Validation Seeking
- Arrogance
- Propensity for Rage
- Manipulation/Exploitation
- Lack of Empathy
- Controlling
- Contemptuous
- Insecure (the hidden core)
Glossary of Narcissistic Relationship Terms (Inspired by Dr. Ramani and the Understanding Narcissism Summit)

The Moment It Clicked

In November of 2019, I spent ten days immersing myself in every talk from the Understanding Narcissism Summit. With each new speaker, it felt like they were reading pages from my private journal.

They all echoed the same message: “Your person is not the exception.”

Yet my ego kept reacting, “Yes he is. He is the exception.”

Then the Clarissa Pinkola Estés video began. The very last video of the Summit, if memory serves.

She told the ancient tale of Bluebeard, the predatory figure who lured women in only to destroy their innocence and autonomy. What pierced through me most was the image of watering a plant with no roots. I suddenly saw the years of love I had poured into a relationship that had no foundation, no soil, no place for life to grow.

The thought, “Why are you watering a plant with no roots?” broke through the fog of confusion. Just as thoughts become seeds in the garden of the psyche, relationships become seeds in the garden of the heart. All at once I felt silly for investing so much Energy in a relationship that was never going to take root. And I felt ready to redirect my wild capacity for loving output into worthy and mutually uplifting relationships.

Over time, the Terry Real presentation continued to reverberate, as his reality check hit a chord. He didn’t sugarcoat it:

If a narcissist changes, it’s not because they suddenly grow an Empathic heart. It’s because they’ve trained their brain to override the urge to destruct, because it benefits them. Not because they feel the pain they cause. They connect the dots: If they stop creating chaos at home, their lives get better.

That landed.
That anchored me.

I realized I didn’t want to keep holding out hope for a man who would never intuit my needs or meet me in the sacred realm of reciprocity. I was finally ready to let go.

As Christiane Northrup puts it in Dodging Energy Vampires,

“Give up on the vampire.”

And I did.

Today, I am in a relationship that places peace on the altar.

We nourish each others’ roots, ensuring our home is a regenerative ecosystem. Consistently cultivating healing vibes. It’s a miracle that was worth working toward.

And thanks to all that obsessive study in pattern-recognition, I won’t be fooled again. And neither will you.

You may even begin to see the patterns emerge at the macro-level, as our societal Stockholm Syndrome embedded through a relationship with an abusive paradigm becomes clear. That’s when the path of the recovered Lightworker gets really fun. You get to enjoy the crumbling of Narcissism in Media, Entertainment, Government, Corporations before our very eyes. Buckle up! The system is collapsing in on itself.

And remember, the Universe doesn’t serve up any situation that you can’t handle.

In the meantime, give yourself grace. PTSD and C-PTSD are real. You are in survival, not weakness. Some people will see your wounds and love you through them. Others will exploit them. Your discernment is sacred.

Your nervous system is not broken. It’s wise. It’s awake. It’s a living breathing network of information in constant communication with itself. And it’s so worthy of calm healing energy.

Please reach out if you could use further support. I have given many talks on this topic over the years, such as:

Alchemizing nostalgia into self-admiration.
The Empath’s ego attachment & how our boundaries influence the narcissists’ behavior.
Gaslighting & self-advocacy as medicine to heal the injury caused by gaslighting.
You can’t heal in the environment that made you sick.

While I don’t give such talks publicly anymore, I am more than happy to explore with you 1-on-1.

For now, know this:

You are not too sensitive. You are aware.
You are seeing clearly.
You are healing.
You are whole.

Welcome home.

With love, faith, & understanding,

Rachel